6 Ways to Improve Your Self-Love
What does self-love mean?
Contrary to some opinions, it is not having a big ego or only caring about yourself. Andrea Brandt, PhD, MFT, defines it as “Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness...taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others...not settling for less than you deserve.” Did you catch that? Especially the last part- not settling for less than you deserve.
Women tend to put others and their happiness ahead of their own. This has been taught to us as children by our parents, who were taught that by their parents, and their parents’ parents. Just because that is how it has been done in the past does not mean we have to perpetuate the cycle of self-abuse. I consider it self abuse because of the neglect of our body and mind that we allow. The sacrifice of our time, mental and physical well being, and setting for less than even half of what makes us happy causes us to feel like a robot going through the motions.
So how do we break the cycle and start loving ourselves in the way that we will reap the benefits? (PS- the bonus is that once you are showing up full of love and energy, everyone else benefits too so we are giving from our fullest self!) Like so many things, the steps are simple but not always easy.
Spend time with yourself (this can be hard but it will be SOOO worth it!).
There are so many distractions that we rarely have a quiet minute in the day. Try spending 5 minutes each morning and each night before bed. Don’t pick up your phone or turn off the phone while doing this. Enjoy the silence and listen to the sounds that wake you up (birds chirping in the morning) and the sounds that end your day (crickets chirping and the fan). Keeping your eyes closed can enhance your listening skills.
Journaling is a good way to get your thoughts out too. This gives you the opportunity to explore them.
If you think you have to be the one to always put the groceries in the fridge (a task you don’t like to do)...maybe you can figure out what it is about that task that has control over your thoughts and impacts your actions.
Compliment yourself rather than criticize.
My favorite time to do this is usually when I’m clumsy. Dropping a spoon but then catching it before it hits the ground is fairly common so I always say “good catch!” Celebrating feels so much better than criticizing the clumsy nature that always causes me to drop things. Noticing things you are good at, and in most cases, WAY better than you give yourself credit for, builds your confidence. The more confident you feel, the more you love who you are, which in turn builds confidence (talk about the circle of LIFE!!).
Re-frame your stories.
You don’t have to overly positive, just realistic.
This one is hard because they are usually stories we don’t even know we have! Often we think the same thing every time we have a similar experience. Imagine that you get a message that says “Hey, I need to talk to you. Let me know when you have a minute.” What is your first thought? Is it that something bad is about to happen or that something good happened and someone wants to share it with you?
How you answer this depends on your ‘framing” and usually is based on past experiences or a fear associated with failure or low self-worth. Instead of dreading the “talk” with your friend, coworker, or boss, put aside the fear and be curious about what it is. Who knows, maybe your friend has an extra ticket to a concert you want to go to, your coworker is having a birthday party but isn’t inviting all 50 people in the office, or you are getting to work on a special project that is right up your alley!
Chose something that nourishes you every day.
This is one thing that has SO many options for goodness. This option is very individualized. You can choose the same nourishment every day or pick a new one! One way I like to nourish my body is with food. I pay attention to what I put in to see how I feel (my gut and my joints) and am learning how I can maintain a high level of energy.
Exercise, education, and stillness are also things that could nourish you every day. Artists are typically filled with so much energy and goodness when they create that there can be no words for the feeling. Think about what makes you feel good and do it every day!
Talk to someone.
This can be professional help or just someone that has been through it before. Knowing you aren’t alone and that there is hope to make it through feels good. When looking for someone to talk to, others have overcome the same or similar situations. This helps to form a safe, supportive space for you to say the hard things, make hard decisions, and know you are going to come out of this a better person.
Forgive yourself.
This is one of the most dreaded “F” words for women...especially when it comes before “yourself.” It is also one of the most important words for us. Going through life you make decisions based on your circumstances. You make survival decisions. Were they right every time? Probably not. But you made it! You survived ALL of your days so far and that my friend, is something worth celebrating.
Forgive yourself for the decisions you wish had been different. Forgive yourself for taking so long to see what needed to be changed. Forgive yourself for doubt and negative self-talk you allowed to happen. Congratulate yourself for all you have learned. Congratulate yourself for how far you have come. Congratulate yourself on how amazing you turned out after all!
Recap for those of us visually pleased with lists :
Spend time with yourself (this can be hard but it will be worth it!).
Compliment yourself rather than criticize.
Re-frame your stories.
Chose something that nourishes you every day.
Talk to someone.
Forgive yourself.
Peace and love,
Teresea
Photo Credit: Unsplash
