5 Fearless Rules to Live By
“I never set out to be a rule breaker. It’s just that the old rules weren’t working for me so I had to go out and make my own.” (Fearless - Rebecca Minkoff)
That’s it! Mic drop.
The old ways aren’t working for me - the modern, intuitive, female entrepreneur.
Rebecca encourages us to start digging into the path we are taking. It’s broken and difficult, so why are so many people still doing it that way? Afraid to try something new. The book speaks mostly to the author’s experience in the fashion industry but applies to SO many areas of life and business.
Why you should read it if you aren’t in the fashion industry...these rules and business constructs are ones we follow “because that is the way it is done.” As we all know, the pandemic made us not only question the rule book but ask for it to be rewritten and then offered a different perspective on it.
Some even pulled out matches and burned that playbook.
Rebecca reminds us in the book to question the rules and do a gut check. How does that feel for me? If it’s out of alignment, it will show in your results. Trust your gut, you might need more research at times but find a way if that is where you want to be. This designer looked for ways to make her dreams come true while dissecting these rules, changing them to suit her style, and then thriving!
Fave 5 Rules:
#1- Sign Your Own Permission Slip - Give Yourself Permission to Stop Asking for Permission
Do you remember when you were a kid? Bringing home a permission slip for your parents to sign was the most exciting thing in the world. you knew you were going to go somewhere that was fun, it was different than your everyday life. as an adult we find ourselves saying no more often than not when a permission slip is presented to us.
Go on a long weekend trip and get away by myself?
No way!
Treat myself to a more expensive bottle of bourbon because that’s my reward? No not today.
Spring for an extra couple hundred dollars to buy the perfect coat that you’ll wear forever? I could use that money somewhere else.
These are the ways that we say no to our permission slips. We tend to think we have to have someone else tell us we can do it or deserve it before we believe it.
Think about it, the last time you came up with an idea to go away on a long weekend. Did you go? The last time I did that, I stayed at home and filled my calendar with obligations and didn’t really relax.
What is the difference in your reaction if someone tells you that they would buy you a getaway for a long weekend? I bet you would pack a few good books, some wine/coffee/ snacks, and check for local places to eat.
I think this rule points to how we learn to speak up for our wants, not just our needs. Rarely have I seen women speak up for things they really want. If they do and are told no...that’s it. They stop asking or wanting that thing. This is likely learned in childhood and Rebecca gives good examples of how she experienced these “no” moments and how she was going to figure out how to make it happen.
“When we ask someone else to validate our choice before we make it, it put the responsibility on that person. Suddenly, it’s their problem if something goes wrong.” Damn…that hit hard because it is so accurate. It’s so much easier to blame someone else and be the victim than it is to say “I messed up. That was all on me.”
We have to find a way to give ourselves permission to do the thing, mess it up or nail it, and own the experience.
#2- Go For Purpose Over Payout - Happiness is Not a Time Card
This spoke to me because that was my motto in life for so many years. Keep doing the job I can do to make the money that I want to buy the things that will make me happy. That landed me face down on the kitchen floor and a crying, sobbing mess… that quickly turned to anger because someone was mowing my yard while I was having a breakdown.
It was not my best personality but it taught me that my actions didn’t line up with my soul.
I went in search of my purpose and I found it. This…reading, writing, researching, educating myself and others…is my passion. My topics are wide but they all go back to that core purpose. For me purpose equals passion.
When the stars align and you are able to make a profit on your purpose - holy shit that is great- but core values always have to remain the same. If they are out of balance, life gets rocky.
Rebecca’s reason for this rule is a concept I’ve come across a few times and I think the universe is trying to get me to take this action. Volunteer where you will be doing something that fulfills you. It will benefit your soul AND most of the time, you will develop skills and connections that can help you at some point in your life. Make your job about passion and purpose, not just the pay you bring home. You have to eat but you can have spaghetti instead of steak and be just as happy when your job is fulfilling.
Volunteering doesn’t have to be done to advance your career but that is why many people volunteer in their field. You might become great friends with someone that also owns a reputable car repair business. When you need that service, you already know who to take the car to. No worries about shady service since you know the character of the owner.
#9- Create Two-Way Streets - Networking Flows Both Ways
This goes hand in hand for me with #18 Collab Over Compete - There’s Always Enough Success to Go Around
“You don’t get something for nothing” was a saying I heard a lot growing up. I really don’t know why but I never paid attention to why the adults said it or how it applied to me. As an adult, I TOTALLY get it. Nothing is free.
Time might seem free since we all have it but really, it can be quite expensive. How much do you pay an hour to talk to a lawyer? It’s not free and you are willing to pay that expert for their time as they tell you things you need to know. They do a service for you for a fee. DUH, right? Well, then why do you expect people to invest in you, believe in you, believe in what you are offering them if you don’t put any effort in? Either you pay them for their time or put in sweat equity. You always have more to offer than you think.
We all need help in some way and we can all provide help in some way. Volunteer your help and expertise at times for free to learn something new yourself. Work with your community to create something amazing!
Just because someone is in your industry doesn’t mean they are going to take all the business. They have a special talent and you have a special talent...look for ways to promote that for yourself and them. If you are a massage therapist and you meet someone that does another alternative healing, introduce them to your audience. Offer to host them, provide them with something for their audience, or maybe do both. Collaboration over competition creates a stronger community.
#15 Gut Check - Get into Your Intuition
Have you ever felt that knot in your stomach when you were making a decision? You made a decision you weren’t solid with. Every time I have done that, I have regretted it. Like, made me physically sick kind of regret. I’ve learned to trust that little ball of “Hey! What are you doing that for?”
While I have learned much from NOT listening to that gut check, this commentary falls more under rule #17 which is up next.
Sometimes in the pursuit of purpose, we realize to make things happen on a bigger scale or to get quicker momentum, have to outsource. This is when listening to your gut pays off the most. Especially in the areas you don’t feel confident about. Buying amazing beads is my thing and I can purchase without much thought. When it comes to taking pictures that will sell the finished product, not so much.
In my life, I have taken shoddy workers for projects on my home for less than the amount quoted by others only to have frustration at their work ethic, skills, and professionalism. With my clients, I am upfront with my personality and the way I do business so if I say some cuss words, it’s no surprise.
When I hire someone to work in my home that started all prior conversations with polite southernness (Yes ma’am, not a problem ma’am), the last thing I expect is excessive cussing, racial slurs, or to be called little lady.
The same is true for professional help in my business. I take in a lot of content from someone prior to hiring them. Listening to interviews, looking at past projects, and being clear that we are on the same page are all part of my “interview process” when seeking out help for things like deciphering SEO or getting assistance from VA - no typos and trusting my first impression. If someone seems frazzled and out of it when you first meet or can’t spell your name right, that is who you will work with all the time.
When that hire happens and they say “that’s not a good idea, we should do this…” I would encourage you to see what your gut tells you. If it’s the same end result and is on-brand for you, then your gut might be excited that this person has solved your problem in a creative way and you are a thousand times more excited about what you paid them. If it seems like it is creating a whole new path that isn’t getting you to the top of the mountain, speak up and say you don’t want to go that way without some solid proof that is the best direction.
Rebecca reminds us that we need to trust ourselves in the area we know best. Knowing enough of the other conversations to not be totally lost (knowing what the P&L statement is versus knowing which item goes into what category in the tax spreadsheet) can allow you to trust others to make the decisions under their job responsibilities. When you start making decisions on what you know best based on what others are telling you, then you run the risk of ending up with lots of “samples” that no one wants.
#17 Get Friendly With Failure - Sometimes You Win; Sometimes You Learn
Life happens and we all fail. How we handle that failure is what determines our growth or our stagnation. This determines if we win or lose. One thing I’ve learned as a recovering perfectionist is that I really don’t get things right the first time. In the past, I only counted when I finished a project as an attempt. If I stopped or started over, I blocked it out. It never happened. At some point, I stopped trying things because all that effort was too much to not get it right. The Perfection Trap had me snared in such a way, I didn’t even know I was caught...and I had plenty of company.
One day I was listening to a podcast (I don’t know which one but I know that was where I heard it because there was a rebroadcast of it not long ago) that spoke to the idea of having to put in so many hours at something to master it. Now, I’m not sure that this was the first time I heard about this idea, but it was the first time I heard this idea and it has taken a lot of pressure off me. I was not a great jewelry maker (this is the technical aspect of it versus the creative aspect) for many years.
Even now, when I try a new technique or new media, I can struggle for weeks or years. The slide knot is still my nemesis after almost five years...but I still do it (at least two times before it works out) when necessary.
As the author talks about her failure, she encourages us to remember that no matter what, you will be ok and will make it through. When you act from your human goodness, others will too. This means that when you mess up, you got to own up to that and get comfortable with the uncomfortable situation. This teaches us to be more analytical, less emotional, and less reactive when we fail. Trust us both, you will fail and you will succeed.
Honorable mention is Rule #20 Forget About Balance - Optimize Your Life for You
I know the author wrote this after the start of the pandemic because she mentions the impact of it on her business but this is 110% what we have been going through. Especially self-employed parents! Work-life balance has been a buzzphrase for years now but I remember it being mostly for working moms that needed time to use a breastfeeding room or room to pump breastmilk after returning from maternity leave. That’s roughly 14 years ago as I was in that second group of working moms. Now it has evolved into so much more thank God!
For most of my life, I have worked a full-time job, a part-time job, and had a side hustle of creative means (paintings, jewelry making, dabbling in some home decor). And I’ve been a mom for 25 years so that means doing all that with kids with and without a partner. I’ve been balancing those for years as they all had very set parameters...work these hours at Job 1, work these hours at Job 2 when the kids aren’t with me, make these orders after homework/bedtime. At some point, this started getting harder to manage with all the moving parts and increased orders but it was happening.
As of March 2020, that has all been tossed out the window like a glowing cigarette butt.
(I chose a bundle of sage to try to help clear our energy going forward….)
This pandemic changed my life for bad and lots of good. I lost some people and that made me reevaluate my life. How I live. How I work. How I interact with family and friends. What I make time for now is VERY different. Nov 2019 looks like it is so much more of a distant reality than it really is chronologically. We have all experienced a new way of work, school, and thank you sweet Jesus grocery shopping (delivery).
Find what works for you to get to a point of life integration that leaves you happy and fulfilled. Does that mean you might work 8a-12p and 7p-11p? Maybe. If these are your most productive times and you don’t have other life or death obligations, then do it! I get up and work early 3 days a week for an hour before taking my kid to school. Getting up early is hard but not working until 6 pm or 7 pm is worth that “life” integration for me.
Life, as we know it, has shifted and may shift some more before it’s over. “...remember that you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to do your best.” These last however many months (seems like 400 or so) have given us the opportunity to ask the questions Rebecca poses in this chapter.
What do you want your life to look like?
What is the most important to you?
What do you need?
What are your deal breakers?
Each day is different, each season of life is different. “You know change is coming so be adaptable.”
Top 5 recap:
#1- Sign Your Own Permission Slip - Give Yourself Permission to Stop Asking for Permission
#2- Go For Purpose Over Payout - Happiness is Not a Time Card
#9- Create Two-Way Streets - Networking Flows Both Ways
#15 Gut Check - Get into Your Intuition
#17 Get Friendly With Failure - Sometimes You Win; Sometimes You Learn
If you have also read this book, let me know!
Peace and love,
Teresea
Photo credit: Unsplash, Lee Wright
