3 Reasons Insecurity Makes You Play Small
This topic is very close to my heart. There are three reasons why I think that insecurity keeps us playing small as women. We let others impact what we do out of fear and judgment leaving us in a place where we don't know what we're worth and we settle when we think we have found security.
Um, yeah, I just said: “settle.” How does that feel? If that makes you feel kind of defeated, I get it. For me, it feels kind of low, like being on the bottom of the ocean. (Actual image of me there below. Haha!)
Um, so how many times have you changed an outfit because you thought someone else may say it's a little shorter, that's too tight? Probably more than you'd like to admit, admit. And honestly, I wish we had the courage to be confident in our skin and wear it anyway.
If I said I'd never gone back and changed. I would be a big fat liar. Many times I've put something on and I felt really good and really confident. And then that, “what will someone say about me?” made me go back and change.
Why does this even matter to me?
It matters because I think that leads us to live a very unfulfilled life. When we limit ourselves based on what others will think of us.
I've realized is that sometimes we expect that we get what we deserve. This level of security and love is based on what someone else in our life may have told us. So, we think that's all we deserve.
They say you should be happy with that. You should be happy that you have someone helping you pay the bills. You should be happy that this person even loves you after your past.
I mean, there are so many ways that we limit ourselves because we have listened to others “should” us into shame for wanting more.
There are also times that as moms, we hold ourselves back from promotions or certain jobs because that means we have to ask for help...and we will be judged for needing help. That might be help from our partners from a cleaning service, or maybe even some type of meal service.
If we have a promotion opportunity, maybe that means we work an extra hour a day. That extra hour means that we can't get home to cook and have dinner on the table when it is needed for our children to be able to eat before bed.
So have your partner step in to help, order take out two days a week to help, or have pre-made meals from a local meal service
My point in talking to you about this is to show you how we limit ourselves and to get you to think about ways to change this, to make moves towards a more fulfilling life.
They don't have to be big moves. They don’t have to be drastic.
The first song that comes to my mind, whenever I think about why we settle or why we play small is A Woman's Worth by Alicia Keys.
We don't know what our worth is.
As a woman, if you listen to the lyrics of the song, it talks about diamonds and pearls and going on a cruise and all these material things. But then, it reminds the man (it could be the partner but this song just happens to be about a man), not to fall prey to just DOUGH, but that he also knows this woman's worth, by the way he treats her.
And that is huge because so many people put this perceived worth in a relationship on what they get, what material items they get.
We all need a house.
We all need clothes.
We all need food.
But what about our physical and emotional needs? Those things aren't really talked about.
Physical security.
Stability-job, home, relationship, etc.
Finances
You also have these real emotional needs.
When I say emotional needs that means:
You need to be seen for who you are.
You need to have the ability to be heard.
To say “I don't really like that” and your partner will say “okay, we don't have to do that.”
And to be appreciated no matter how much you accomplished.
One thing that drives me bananas is when you are home all day (working or not), and when your partner comes home they ask “what did you do today?” That leaves you feeling like you have to defend yourself. These things impact your feeling of worthiness.
The second song is, Wannabe by The Spice Girls, whoever thought in a million years, I would be writing about spice girls. Now, this is a catchy song, but it got me thinking.
2. We don't know what we really, really want.
We may say, “I want this,” or “I want that,” but do we really know what we want? Or are we just throwing out the things that we think we should want?
One of the lines and the song says, if you want my future, forget my past. Ooh, we, we all have a past and we all want to let that thing go. So why do we keep bringing it up?
Hopefully, we learned a lesson from it and now we know what we don't want from our past relationships or past experiences because we made mistakes. And we were able to learn and move forward.
And these girls in the song, they're not waiting around.
They say we're not wasting time.
You got to get with my friends you've got to give, taking is too easy.
They tell this person that they're talking to, this is what I want. If you want to be with me, these are the expectations they don't say, well, if you want to do this, you can and I'll be okay with it.
Girl, ain't that the truth!! As I was just rereading the lyrics to make sure that I remembered what was said in the song (I’m not old, but a little vintage).
I was fired up. I wanted to get up and dance. (I didn't do that until the next song, which we'll get to in just a second.)
3. You know, the haters are gonna hate, hate, hate!
But do you know why are they going to hate? Because they can't handle that you are doing something better than them. Or something they aren’t brave enough to do.
They can't handle that. You are living your life and you are having fun. So shake it off like Taylor Swift. The entire song is about what people are going to say.
Everyone is going to have something to say, no matter what you do, and their opinion should have nothing to do with you. If you want to write about every single relationship you've had and you make millions of dollars off of it, go for it, girl.
A lot of times as women, we let that fear hold us back because we're afraid of the haters. When they do say whatever they say, all you gotta do is like Taylor Swift says, shake it off and keep cruising about your beautiful life.
No Regrets!
If you have this kind of hating experience, one of the best things to do is to get a tambourine.
Every time the haters hate on you take that tambourine, shake it, shake it, dance, have a blast.
It will be one of the best exercise sessions you have.
You'll be exhausted and refreshed all at the same time. After that dance marathon, you're going to forget all about those haters.
You're no longer going to be concerned with someone saying anything.
The way that I use these songs to help with my security in life is:
I know my worth. I’m worth more than I used to be…like a fine wine! I’ve aged and grown in my knowledge and value.
I know what I want and what I don’t want. Had several not great relationships and found out what I was and was not willing to do. Now I refuse to settle any longer.
I am ready for the haters! Fighting for myself is no longer what I do. I don’t allow people to keep me in a bad space when they make nasty comments. Learning to put less value on someone’s negative comment and put more value on a positive one has done wonders for me.
Someone is going to judge me (and you) no matter what. They're going to judge the content that I produce. They're going to judge me on the way that I dress and the way I parent.
The one person that says, “I don't agree” will not impact me more than the one person who says, “Wow, you are so yourself with your kids. They really know the authentic you. I don't know if mine knows me that well.”
That is a compliment.
That lights me up.
I encourage you to think about these things. Take the time to really get to know what you want and what you are worth.
This could be a different job.
This could be to be treated with more compassion by your partner and your relationship.
If you have to be alone to get into it and allow yourself to figure out what it is that you need, to figure out your worth, and to learn to love yourself, then please take that time.
And then I want you to be honest with yourself and open and honest with people in your life about what you want and accept nothing less than what you deserve.
You have the power.
If you don't want someone to just show up at your door all hours of the day and night, make that a rule.
No guests past 9:00 PM.
If you come after 9:00 PM, I'm not opening the door.
They'll eventually stop coming.
And as I said before, there's always going to be haters, always.
You have the power to determine how those comments impact you, or if they impact you.
I've got plenty of content out there on self-love and boundaries (when you determine what you really, really want).
When you are ready, DM me or email me. I will hook you up.
Peace and love,
Teresea
Photo Credit: Lee Wright, Unsplash
