A Lesson in Non-Baking

…Boundaries matter.

How do you feel when you have some alone time? 

Do you feel uncomfortable when you are left to spend an evening by yourself? 

Are you packing your social calendar so full you barely have time to do anything other than fall into bed, exhausted, when you are finally home for the day?

If so, you might have issues with your boundaries. 

Not so long ago, I did too. I found myself irritable…that’s an understatement. I was pissed off at the world. Everyone and everything got on my nerves. Then I had a minor breakdown.

I cried for a weekend and cussed out everything in my house. Twice. Several bottles of wine were emptied and smashed in the trash can. The poor cat hid out under the bed when I was awake. 

I was a mess!

After my irrational reaction, I wanted to know why it happened.

I brushed it off as one does initially with “I’m exhausted from working two jobs, being a single parent, maintaining the house, and having a social life.” Boy was I wrong! There was SO much more to it than I knew because…well, social conditioning. 

I used to force myself to do things I didn’t want to do. I did them to make others happy. I was afraid that saying I didn’t want to, I didn’t have the time, or just saying “not this week” would cause them to not like me. Or worse, that I was a bad friend. 

Dinner? Sure.

Come over and have a movie marathon? Sure.

Attend (insert any random social event)? Sure.

Most of the time I didn’t care anything about the event so I had to fake smile all effing night. It left me uncomfortable in my own skin, feeling exhausted and fake as f*ck.

When I was finally home alone, the space left me feeling restless. 

It felt like there was something I needed to be doing…so I found more things to do that didn’t satisfy me. 

I started new series on Netflix to have something to text people about (or talk about at the next party I didn’t want to be at). What’s happening at the school that needs me to do something extra? Let’s organize a potluck! It could be at work or a friend’s house, it didn’t matter as long as I had a task to do. 

Eventually watching TV felt like a chore.

I resented making the cookies for the bake sale, potluck, baby shower, etc. 

Then I made a decision that changed my life. I said “I don’t have time to make cookies for the party. Can I give you $10 to put towards whatever is needed?” It was that easy!!!

I stopped baking cookies for anything other than me and my kids. It was not worth my time and energy to do something just because it was the nice and easy way out of doing something I didn’t want to do in the first place. 

From day forward I gave someone else $10 to go towards the party planning they loved so much. Win/Win!

That extra time I found myself with, became my time to work on making jewelry. (Check out my IG page: Creations From Autumn’s Closet.) That is my passion and creative stress outlet! After a stressful day or two, my record is 20 bracelets in ONE evening! I was tired the next day but there was no stress.

What would you do with an extra 2-3 hours during the work week? It doesn’t seem like much but that is at least 2-3 (maybe more) episodes of that show you love, time to finish the book you are reading, start a new hobby, visit friends…the list is infinite. 

Being taught to make others happy required a certain amount of extrovert behavior that exhausted me. Now I embrace my introverted tendencies, keep the activities that don’t energize me to a minimum, and encourage others to stop committing to things that drain them. 

I didn’t always enjoy being alone but now I really do.

It allows me to recharge after too much social stuff, even if I’m cleaning and doing physical things. That also includes starting and half-ass finishing a project. It was fulfilling and that was what I needed in my alone time. 

Does any of this sound like you? If so, you are likely making choices that keep you in a state of “doing” and “pleasing” that isn’t helping you to relax or truly enjoy life. The less we do to make ourselves happy, the more likely we are to burn out. 

As you go through this week, consider these things and see where you might start making changes.

• Think about times when you are the most comfortable, relaxed, and content. What do you need to give up to have more of those?

• There are things (and people) you need to say no to in your life. Start small if you need to (don’t offer to bake cookies for whatever social event coming up).

• Does the thing you are doing reflect your true self or are you doing it to make others happy? Sometimes it feels good to make others happy but sometimes it sucks the big one.

I hope you find some things that help you and bring more happiness to your life. 

Have a great week!

Peace and love,

Teresea

Photo credit: Lee Wright; Teresea Patton