Why some women refuse help
Boy, do I feel uber attacked…
When I read this article I thought they KNOW ME!!!
If you haven’t read the Elephant Journal I would highly recommend this article at the very least. This is really the way I lived my life for SO many years. The “do it all myself mentality” is 1000% how my brain worked...and sometimes still works due to some deep-seated beliefs that have been super hard to evict.
All those feelings ring true...unworthy, perfectionist, work hard, work more!
If I took a half-day or heaven forbid, a WHOLE day to myself to do nothing...I had major guilt. The kind of guilt that pushed me into hyperdrive the next day or two to “make up” for being sooooo lazy.
Most of all, I wanted to stay busy, TAKE CONTROL, and plan it ALLLLLLL down to the last detail! All those feelings made me like a voracious contestant that had three pots of coffee before stepping into a twisted productivity game show where winning meant checking off everything on your to do list and your 10 closest friends.
It took its toll for sure.
My health suffered -mentally I was always on edge and physically I was always in pain. Stress was heaped onto my plate and washed down with a pot of coffee to get me going...every morning! I didn’t ask for help because, like the article says- it was easier to just do it my-own-damn-self.
So what happens when you have a partner that wants to help?
Lord help them...that’s all I can say! I recently heard on a podcast that if you say no, that robs the “giver” of their purpose. That was a hard pill to swallow. As someone that just wants others to be happy- AKA a people pleaser-I had some serious conflicts, how do I help someone else be happy without jumping in the deep end and risk drowning?
When my partner asks “do you need help?” daggers might shoot from my eyes.
And I’m sorry about that.
Do I want help? YES, I do...but typically I cannot ask for it any more than I can swing a hammer down on my thumb on purpose. Maybe I should take a shot or two or have a glass of wine and say OK. With hindsight, I can see the benefits of better communication (and the alcohol that allows the shield to drop a little) and accept that I don’t have to be the one to do it all by myself.
Why do women do this to themselves? We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the boss babe, the amazing mom, the loving wife, and the most thoughtful friend that we become the opposite.
Our stress level gets so high we can erupt like a volcano or melt like a snowball in a ray of sun.
How are we achieving the best we can in our lives if we hold ourselves back and are hiding from others?
The short (and uncomfortable) answer is we aren’t. We can’t be our best if we are stressed and trying to control every aspect of our life. We have to ask for help...and actually accept it. This is how we get to be our best selves. We have to have room in our day and mental space to laugh and enjoy life.
Have you ever realized how good you feel after a good laugh? It makes a world of difference in your attitude and your stress level. So imagine having help and laughing...OMG...I bet you will feel like you can conquer the world after a good day like that. Do you know how I know?
It happened not too long ago and I spent several days after being super energized.
Letting go of that control is hard as fuuuuck. I mean, as hard as climbing Mount Everest with no shoes, ropes, or snacks. (Y’all know I like snacks too!)
When you show up ready for an adventure but are 100% unprepared for it, then you are living life the way teenagers do...and it’s exciting. You are filled with adrenaline and even start to have some giggles. Then you relax and shit starts really happening- you feel good, you are inspired, and there is a shift in life.
I guess sometimes we can learn something from the youth. Be open to adventure, change, and learning.
The bad thing is it’s not a permanent change right away...it’s something you have to work on. You have to be aware of and keep letting the drawbridge down so the calvary can come to your side. Not that you need to be rescued but you do like the assistance and the freedom you feel from it. This is how you get to be the best you that you can be!
Things to remember.
Help does not mean you are unworthy. It makes you accomplish more by delegating.
Letting go of control increases your productivity and happiness.
Not accepting help robs the “givers” of their purpose and blocks your energy.
Accepting help gets easier with practice.
