Bad at Boundaries
The topic of boundaries has come up quite a bit in my personal life lately. It's always a hot topic in my professional life so that doesn’t even make a blip on the radar of life when I have those conversations. The other day I had someone say to me “You are so good at setting boundaries and keeping them.” It made me start thinking about how I got to this point.
About seven years ago, I had no boundaries. I was not a person that kept my word to myself but made sure to keep it for others. I would overwork and do things that were really self-destructive because I was trying to be (and do) too many things. And you know what happened? I was burnt out and miserable.
Whenever you talk about “setting boundaries,” people usually don't understand. You may be asking now “What do you mean by setting a boundary?” When most people think about boundaries, they think about an actual line or physical representation, like a fence. A fence is a great example of a boundary because you know exactly how far you can go. I looked up the word boundaries (you know I love a good Google search) to see what the actual definition was.
Photo credit: Unsplash
Of course, it does say a line that marks an area, but then also says the limit of a subject or scope of an activity. That one seems to be the best representation of what a boundary means to me. The ones that I live by, the ones that I set for the way others interact with me, that is what people see. What they don't see is me actually saying, “Oh, this (my boundary), you can't cross the boundary.”
What does it look like when I protect my boundaries? I say “I can't do that because on Thursdays I receive my coaching.” If a person is being rude, an energy vampire (an energy vampire is someone who takes your energy and doesn't give you anything back), I don’t proactively make plans with them.
I've created my boundaries for the way I want to live. Setting a boundary with someone can be as easy as:
Saying I can't do that because when I do, I feel bad the next day.
Or I'm really watching my budget this month. So, how about we do a potluck at my house instead of going out for tacos and margaritas every Tuesday? Let's cut it back to twice a month.
Some people won’t like that, and that's fine. They don't have to.
Way back at the top, I said that what got me started on this was that someone told me how great I was at setting boundaries. They also said I have a quick question about boundaries. Well, first of all, there are no *real quick* questions on boundaries, but whatever, bring it. The questions (yes, there was more than one) were, Do I tell someone that I have set a boundary? And do I tell them why?
Well, of course, I said yes.
To both.
Let people know what your boundaries are in a way that gives them the opportunity to decide. Do they want to be part of your life and live within those boundaries? Or are they going to say you know what? That's not for me. I gotta go.
I've been on both sides of that.
Photo credit: Lee Wright
Need an example?
Let’s say you have a relationship with an alcoholic friend or family member and don't want to cut this family member out of your life, but you also don’t want to put yourself in certain situations. This person does horrible things, says horrible things, they make you be a person you don't like to be, and/or they put you or someone else in danger. You 100% have the right to say I cannot be in this situation. When you tell them why you don't have to say “because you’re an A-Hole.” Tell them you cannot be around them when they are drinking because it affects you in a way you don’t like, feel safe, etc.
They have the opportunity to say we can't hang out anymore. Hopefully, they take the opportunity to see the way their behavior was impacting you and you have a better resolution than just ghosting them. The family will keep calling, leaving messages, or sending you texts. That creates a tension that can be avoided by just saying upfront why you are making a decision.
This applies to dating, friendships, children, etc. I tell my kid when I’m writing, I can’t multitask and listen. I ask for 10-15 minutes to finish up and then we have the same conversation again the next week. I’m thankful that my teen still talks to me…just not when I’m journaling.
An easy way to think about this is that boundaries create the circumstances in which something will work out for you. If you think it might sound harsh to them, remember, it's all in the delivery. And telling someone you can’t multitask and that you need a few minutes isn’t unreasonable. Being open with your expectations gives others the opportunity to make a different decision. Just like you are making a different decision.
Peace and love,
Teresea
Photo credit: Unsplash; Lee Wright
