Setting Healthy Boundaries
I’m all about peace and love, not being a doormat.
Just because I’m all about peace and love doesn’t mean I let people walk all over me. Yes, that means boundaries - one of my favorite B words!
Boundaries are SOOOO important I want to share with you some things to think about when deciding how to set boundaries, that have worked for me in the past (and that just happened to be caught lurking in the shadows recently in random corners and doorways to remind me to stay alert).
I've been known to successfully set a few boundaries with work and in my personal life.
I am also known to mention it more often than how much I need coffee.
It’s important to do it in a way that is respectful and allows for communication.
At first, it feels uncomfortable for sure! But after a while, you get comfortable with it because you see the benefits. It is totally ok to say no to things and not feel guilty about it. Oftentimes, you are not the only hope Obi-Wan.
In addition to learning to say no and asking for what you need, the boundaries are set in a way that works best for you. Things feel easier in certain situations.
One of my first coaches wrote “I’m not available for this” on a post-it and told me to keep it close. I learned that this statement is a mindset as well as a verbalization (depending on what you need at the time).
No one wants to be a nag (or be nagged), but we want to know what’s going on in the lives of the people we care about. This is where setting boundaries comes into play.
Setting boundaries is a way of saying “I care about you and I want to be in a relationship with you where we communicate and respect each other.”
These days I don’t want to do anything that will put me in a time-consuming or uncomfortable position. However, I know sometimes it’s important to say yes and to be flexible.
Setting boundaries can look like this:
I can’t do that today.
I already have plans.
This is my time to (work on my business, my health, etc.) so I am not available.
I’m not in a place to talk about that right now.
These are the ways I can help (list what you like to do rather than be assigned a task).
Pre-2019, my pattern was to say yes to things, even things I had no desire to do. Learning my patterns and practicing saying no to things (AKA I’m not available for this thing that doesn’t interest me in the least) has saved me a lot of frustration and resentment.
I said yes and would be miserable because I feared being rejected or disliked. Knowing this was the catalyst of the pattern, I was able to address the root fear and stay in my comfort zone.
Preparation to address fear looked different depending on the situation. Calmly I asked myself if I was willing to do the task without resentment. ( I’m sure I looked like I was seeing people on the wall by my desk as I had serious conversations about the feelings coming up.)
If the answer was yes, I would say yes without hesitation.
If the answer was no, then I would prepare myself for how to stand in my decision.
For big decisions, journaling or meditating to take emotion out of my decision-making is critical. I looked back in my journals not long ago and saw was writing about a problem I’m still having. I had a few different ideas then and was able to use those notes as data for my results (yes, I just nerded out on you! #researchrules).
Most of my journals are written as I’m trying to keep my eyes open, take in coffee, and the writing is barely legible. So some ideas are crap like “make an IG account for Gus and show his grumpy face all day” and some are gold “talk to a specific friend when you write your blog.”
But I digress…
Knowing what you are wanting or willing to do can be your compromise. Many women that I work with have partners and children. They are in a place where life is burning them out faster than a ginger on the beach without sunscreen.
This is when you have to be willing to say what you need and accept the help when they agree. One of the biggest challenges for people with kids is getting them to and from school with both parents working. This is a huge source of stress for parents. A lot of time this falls on one parent creating a lot of pressure and stress.
Speaking up to say “this is stressful” is hard for many people. They feel like they are not a good mom or partner if they can’t do it all. For men, it can mean feelings of failure as a provider for the family. This is where you have to start though.
Start the conversation by saying: “It is stressful for me to fight traffic and the clock in the morning and the afternoon. Can we work out a plan that will for you to do morning or afternoon and I’ll do the other?”
That isn’t as scary as it seems in your mind. True, the first time can be terrifying to speak up, but the other person probably has few if any clues as to what you are thinking. Say something to them instead of expecting them to read your mind, interpret your frustration, or solve a problem they don’t even know about.
So here’s a quick recap:
“I’m not available for this…”- Mindset or actual verbalization.
Know the patterns that you fall into and set boundaries accordingly.
Prepare yourself-therapy, journaling, bringing a compromise to the table.
Let me know how I can help you with asking for what you want or need.
Peace and Love,
Teresea
Photo credit: Lee Wright, Unsplash
