Why you shouldn’t be a good girl…
Know what? You do NOT have to be what society deems as a “good girl.”
Not only might you be unhappy being a “good girl”, but it doesn’t serve you in today’s environment.
Our society places value on individuals that take risk, seek entrepreneurship, and display creativity. BUUUUUUT it also sends women messages to be a hard worker that doesn’t speak up, a mother that sacrifices her needs for her family, and a friend that never says no. The fake appearance of this self can drain your happiness faster than anything else.
What is that?
What do I mean by a good girl?
This refers to society’s expectations of how a woman “should” be experienced. This includes the way she looks, talks, responds to her surroundings, and how she performs in an everyday situation.
It kind of reminds me of the saying “children should be seen and not heard.”
When you are labeled as a good girl you:
Like to please others
Don’t want to get in trouble
Seek extra validation
You’re quiet and do not stand out
Do you make reasonable “demands” within existing parameters
You are looking for the stamp of approval
Follow instructions and don’t try to be too creative or unrealistic
You probably strive to be neat and tidy avoiding making any kind of mess
You strive to meet expectations. People expect that you are a certain way and if not then you are not good enough or didn’t make enough effort.
Some of the most often used adjectives to describe desirable women are compassionate, warm, cheerful, soft-spoken, and loyal-according to a study done by Stanford.
Want to guess who was described as having the most desirable traits of being independent, assertive, dominant, and decisive based on the same study? It was NOT women.
Unfortunately, gender bias starts REAL early in childhood.
Children learn to please people around them so they don’t get negative feedback for their behavior. How many times have you heard (or said) “be a good girl and you’ll get (insert reward here)” in your life? I hate to tell you but you (and I) have perpetuated this stereotypical BS and are cleaning the glass ceiling so we won’t see that it is still there.
Some of the typical “feminine” characteristics lead people to take advantage and test boundaries.
Some of the typical “masculine” characteristics cause people to label you as too confident, too outgoing, too bossy
Pleasing others can drain us and leave us terrified and exhausted.... so why do we continue to force ourselves to be something that we are not?
Rachel Simmons did a lot of work with middle school girls and to be honest….it seems like a lot of grown-ass women are all still acting like middle school girls at times. When girls say I got an A versus she gave me a C- this is taking it personally instead of looking at your performance. It assumes the other person is doing something TO you rather than thinking it was something YOU had control over.
Now we enter the victim mode.
When you think you have no control over something, you remove the responsibility to look at your behavior (pretty convenient huh?). You also stuff feelings that you made an error- you don’t learn from the experience. Progress doesn’t change when victim mode is in full force!
Three social customs that emerge from good girl pressure:
The belief that conflict is personal and ends relationships
The message against claiming one's strengths
The indirect aggression girls are infamous for
As young girls in school, we started the process of “learning” that conflict is personal. Eventually we need to view conflict rather than a means to grow and improve. We censor our words to avoid conflict, hurting someone else’s feelings, or seeming to be too opinionated. As women, we need to stop doing this and speak our truth.
Peace and Love,
Teresea
Photo credit: Unsplash
