Things You Never Said
People who love to point out the faults in others are really just super scared to see the faults in themselves. Gabby Bernstein
One of the biggest faults I see in people that they don’t want to admit is they are not honest. That doesn’t mean we flat out lie, we just downplay our response. Maybe that’s because we think others will judge us so we tell people things aren’t that important to us when they really are. Our fear of being honest and potentially admitting our faults, as well as our desires, has put us in a tricky spot.
Do you love a specific holiday? Then tell your family, friends, and partner so they can plan for celebrating Earth Day with you. Coming right off of Valentine’s Day, I will use that as an example.
I saw lots of men scrambling to figure out (that morning) what to get their girlfriend/wife because they forgot. I asked one guy if it was an important day for his wife. He said “I don’t know. She said she doesn’t really care about it but…”
Honestly, I would like to say I’m shocked but I’m not. Women have a few crazy ideas about men and their capability to do certain things. First of which is being able to read our feelings behind our words. I’m not saying men are simple but they typically take what is said at face value.
Somewhere along the lines, women got the message that we couldn’t ask for what we wanted without seeming like we are needy, demanding, or a bitch. Then we saw all those rom-coms where the woman tells her man “nah, I don’t want all that.” Then tells her friends the opposite.
Another crazy idea with have is that we expect our partner to tell us everything that has ever happened to them before we met…but we don’t ask for all those details. Often we don’t tell people things for many reasons that are completely innocent.
They don’t seem important enough to us to remember and relay to everyone we meet. Some things are painful and dark. Not everyone is ready to hear that about our life. Trust me, it’s difficult to tell a new person in my life why my last serious relationship ended. Talking about death has a way of making the conversation awkward.
Most people are naturally a bit defensive. We want to protect ourselves, put ourselves in a position to get the best result from every situation, and want others to like us. These very human qualities mean we might not be honest so that we aren’t hurt, we don’t upset others, or that we get a better opportunity than we might deserve. (Resume writing is a prime example of this last one!)
I encourage you to examine why you feel like you have to hold back or manipulate the truth. I’m not saying you have to tell everything you know or that there’s never a good reason to lie, but knowing why you hold something back is important.
For many of us, we have had bad experiences with telling the truth about our feelings or thoughts. If you can’t be honest, it’s likely not a healthy situation. If your partner or friend can’t honor your truth without retaliating, you need to evaluate that relationship. Let them know in a respectful way that you didn’t like the reaction before you overreact.
A good example of this is when someone does something for you they would appreciate, but you don’t. I am solidly in the Acts of Service camp. Doing something for me is one of the things that show me you care. Knowing your love language (and those you are close to) is super important.
Like so many people, I tend to show others I care about them in the way I want to be cared for. So, if I am out and I combine my errand with something I can do for another person, I expect them to react the same way I would. When they don’t, my feelings are slightly hurt. If I cook for them and they let it get cold, it makes me feel unappreciated.
What I’ve learned to do is two fold. Adjusting my expectations has been one of the most helpful because not everyone has the same priorities. And, letting others know what is important to me.
Getting mad that dinner is cold is way less productive than saying “It’s important to me that we eat dinner while hot because I want to enjoy eating dinner with you. Waiting until the food is cold makes me feel like my efforts aren’t appreciated and I get irritable. Cold food and irritability sets us up for a bad experience that I don’t think either of us want.”
The interaction is to tell them what is important to you and how the situation makes you feel, not that they make you feel that way. This allows you to say what you want (enjoying dinner together) and don’t want to happen (feeling unappreciated). You can then problem solve.
The other party might be coming to dinner later because they have another obligation (late work meeting, workout class, etc) and also feeling stressed about trying to meet at the time you decided was going to be dinner time. This conversation allows you to gain understanding and find a better time to have dinner.
Be honest about your desires and expectations.
Ask questions about what you want to know. Listen without judgment.
When you feel prone to give less than the full truth, examine the reason.
Honesty creates happier, healthier relationships.
Go forth and have loving and honest conversations this week in the name of St. Valentine!
Peace and love,
Teresea
Photo credit: Unsplash; Lee Wright
